If I were a Robot, would it be easier?

Being a woman who wears her heart on her sleeve, you never really have to guess where I'm at. I've been called "transparent" many times and I've considered that a compliment. There are times when I wish I was harder to read... that I could keep my feelings closer to my "vest". I especially wish this with my youngest daughter. It is so difficult to not take her "rejection" personally. Nancy Thomas lists 23 symptoms to tell if a child has Reactive Attachment Disorder. #23 pretty much sums it up.


23) Parents appear hostile and angry. This is very sad, and people that don’t have RAD kids don’t understand this. The more the parent loves the child, the more pain the child dishes out to get them to stop. The child had his heart broken as an infant, and he believes that love hurts. They do whatever they can not to be loved – they don’t use the parents love to grow emotionally strong. Parents are basically abused in their own home.

As a mom to a child who has RAD, my love is received as pain. I really struggle with how to counter that. How do you show someone love when it causes that person pain based on their own brokenness? Her goal is to keep distance between us to protect herself. Believe me she is very good at it. I try to parent her in the ways suggested by RAD therapists and experts. At the same time it is very difficult to muster up the energy to even want to be with someone who you already know is going to do everything in their power to make sure you don't get close to them. I am not a Robot. I have feelings too. I went into adoption with the idea that there was a child out there somewhere in the world that needed someone to love them. That hungered for a mother's hug and love. Someone who would now know that there was someone, actually an entire family, in the world that wanted THEM and LOVED THEM. I admit that it was rooted in my own childhood desire to have someone in the world who loved me just as I was. That desire grew into wanting to give that love that I longed for to another child who felt that same emptiness and loss.

I still know that I am a warrior and that God is using all of this for our good. My question is simply, how do I show love to her without causing her pain... without her needing to do everything in her power to keep distance between us. How many times can I say "I love you no matter what." before she believes me. I do get frustrated but I keep going back to her to show her that I still love her. Yes, being pushed away hurts but even though it hurts I will always keep coming back to love her more. The roots of my love for her come from a place of my childhood pain and now her childhood pain is hurting both of us, but as the mother I have to love her through both of our pain.

It's not easy.

There are no guarantees that this will have a happy ending for us. I just want her to see me as her mom or at least I want her to feel love, period. Then there are days when I just want to get through that day without reacting to her pushing me away.

If I was a Robot it would be easier.
Robots do not have feelings to get hurt, but then again Robots also don't feel LOVE either.

"Three things will last forever--faith, hope, and love--
and the greatest of these is love."
 ~1Corinthians 13:13 NLT

It is my faith in and my greatest hope that LOVE will indeed last forever between she and I. 


 

I am a Warrior

The major motivation for our move was to be closer to our church. We were there (in some combination of us) 4 nights a week and then on Sundays. It was a 35 minute drive one way and was just taking up our family time, let alone homework, and eating dinner together as a family time. Recently my youngest asked me, "So why did we move again?" "Do you remember all the time we were spending in the car going back and forth to church at night and how you had to come along on nights that daddy wasn't home even on nights that it was for Justin or Megan?" "OH yeah! Now I remember. I used to get grumpy about that. I don't like being out all night."

We still have ties to our old community since our family lives there and our kids still are involved in sports there. It is difficult realizing that some people take it personally when you move. It's very difficult to try and understand the mentallity of  "you moved... so you must think you are better than us" or the idea that "you moved so you have no right to be involved here anymore".  We sacrificed a lot to move in order to be closer to our church. Our life is pretty much all about church, the kids' school and the kids' sports.

For me, I get to continue in a great bible study group. Currently we are studying with the book, "Fashioned for Intimacy". God wants restoration of the first relationship between man and woman as image bearers of God. We need our eyes and hearts opened to how the enemy (satan) has worked to break that union with distrust, fear and suspision between man and woman. Through man and woman together, God is fully revealed. In order for this to come to pass, we need to begin to see how God created us as women and men and stop believing the lies that satan has been whispering to us about ourselves and about each other. When we, women, have the "eyes of our understanding" opened we are able to move in a realm of spiritual authority that is powerful. We are then able to see the enemy's tactics against our family members and we are then able to use the power we have in God against him. We become the virtuous warrior that God intended us to be in our families. (Chapter 10 is called the Warrior Woman) When God declared satan our enemy in the Garden of Eden, He was declaring the WE are Satan's enemy as well. As believers, we are the ones called into battle against our enemy and we need to fight off Satan's attempts at breaking apart our families and leading our children astray with his lies.

In our family, Satan has been able to use our daughter's attachment disorder to whisper many lies to us. I had questioned God's hand in this, why He would do this not only to her but to our family. The outlook for attachment disorder generally does not look good. Our daughter believes MANY lies about herself and of those who love her. It has been a constant attack from satan and a battle in our home, both spiritually and literally. This bible study has opened my eyes to these lies and have shown me who I am in Christ and what my true role is in our family. I know longer see myself in battle with my daughter or against attachment disorder. I now see that what man intended for bad, God intended for good. (I know there is a bible verse to insert here but I want to continue this thought) By seeing myself as the enemy of satan, I can see God's truths. The truth is that God did intend for our daughter to be adopted by us, she is part of God's plan, God does love me and her and He desires me to allow Him to work in her life. I need to see my enemy for who and what he is, the father of all lies. If you are familiar at all with attachment disorder then you know how invasive lying is with these children. I need to stand on God's truths and fight off the arrows of lies that are being directed at me and the members of my family. God can use attachment disorder for our good. (WOW now that is a new thought and could only be from God) I have been fighting the wrong enemy. I have been seeing the enemy's disguise. I'm not sure people who do not experience attachment disorder within their homes can truly understand how easily satan can use it. Being "rejected" as a mother by a child that you love and loved long before they were even born is devastating. It attacked every weakness and insecurity I have. I did realize that I wasn't truly the person that I was being treated like, but it didn't change the fact that one person in my life, my child, was acting as if I was. She rejected all the love I offered her because that very love was what she feared the most. For her love meant being hurt. It was and is easier for her not to receive love because that way she can not be abandoned or hurt again. It is a horrible disorder. It is a disorder that satan used to try and take me down with. I was becoming the person the LIES were telling me I was. "God must not love you." "You aren't a good mother."  "Maybe all the pain you suffered as a child that lead to your desire to adopt was all a big joke on you and no good was ever to come out of it."

Now my eyes and heart have been opened to God's truths. I now see that I am a warrior fighting for my family. I need to put on the whole armour of God and protect myself and them.

I am a warrior and you can be one too.

 

Valentine's Day and why I blog.

A writer writes not because he is educated but because he is driven by the need to communicate.
Behind the need to communicate is the need to share.
Behind the need to share is the need to be understood.



~Leo Rosten

I have been wondering why I blog. Does anyone else besides me even care or read it? This weekend someone actually came up to me and talked to me about one of my posts. I was so surprised. Then today I came across this quote. I do have this need to communicate, to share and to be understood. I also have a strong need to let other people know that they are not alone. I want others to know that even in this technology age where we can email, video conference, facebook, chat, text and twitter, that life can still get lonely at times. Sometimes we all feel alone and wonder if anyone else really does care about what we are going through and even with all of these ways of communicating, do we REALLY communicate with each other. Our communications are still so shallow. We still work so hard to protect ourselves and to keep others from really knowing us. This blog allows me to share with others about what is really going on in my life. It also allows others to lurk... (that's what I've seen it called) to peek into another's life and see that truly we are all much more similar than different.

Recently our family has been making some big changes. We have moved closer to our church. That move has meant leaving much behind. A home, friends, family, spending time with my nieces, being involved with my children's sports and lots of stuff. (It's not possible to cram a 3600 square feet of stuff into about 2200 square feet) We are only 30 minutes away so I will still see my family and friends and I will always be involved with my children's sports but it IS still different. I want to be clear that Rob and I know that God has called us to these changes. Following God is an amazing journey but not always easy, even when you know you are doing the right thing. Oddly, I keep thinking I'd be more upset about these changes. I am at peace. I'm sharing this because I know how overwhelming God's plan can seem. How impossible, impracticle. Even more difficult when other people are involved like spouses, children and extended family and good friends. Following God is not just a choice that I make in a bubble. There is a trickle down effect. I believe that when one of us chooses to follow God, it opens the opportunity for God to be able to work in the lives of others as well. Not that God can't work without us, but when others see us doing what He wants, it can become less scarey for those who watch us.

God loves us and wants us to draw closer to Him. Sometimes it means walking away from what we know and what feels comfortable. This move is a work in process and has not been without it's bumps and tears. Just because it is the right thing to do, doesn't mean it will be easy. I can only say that God is pleased when we follow Him. I have not finished this journey yet so I don't know all that is to come. I do know that as long as I am taking this journey following God that I am in the right place.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone.
May Jesus be your special Valentine today and always.


Love,

What makes a house a home?

I am sitting here in our living room watching the Super Bowl.

We spent our first overnight in our new place on Sunday, January 30th. Rob and I had gone away for our joint birthday celebration to see the Million Dollar Quartet in NYC on Saturday the 29th. We both turned 40 within 6 days of each other. Spending the night in NYC was incredible. We had such a fantastic time. We came home and suddenly we were packing up the beds and heading to the new house.

Does sleeping in a house make it home?

On Wednesday night, Rob made us dinner at the new place.

Does eating a home made meal make a house a home?

Friday we celebrated Rob's birthday here.

Does celebrating a birthday here make a house a home?

Today we bought curtains for the new place.

Does hanging new curtains make a house a home?

Tonight we are watching the Super Bowl together.

Does cheering and booing during the big game

make a house a home?

As I've been wondering when this new place will become HOME to us... I realize that it is the family memories that we make together that will gradually make this house our home.

Living in the Fast Lane

It's been quite an amazing few weeks. On January 9th I started my first fast. I found a 21 day fast that started on January 9th and ends on January 29th which just happens to be my 40th birthday. I went into this with the desire to ask God for direction for our family and for blessings upon my children. Fasting for me is a time to take my focus off of food and putting it on God. Everyday that I make the choice to sacrifice certain foods and focus more time on praying and reading the Word is a day of fasting for me. My prayer has been to ask God for His direction for my life to show me what He wanted for our family. I did not know how pleased God would be by this sacrifice. Since I have started this fast, God has shown us where He wants us to live, has directed us to a house that will bring us 5 minutes from our church (rather than the 35 minutes we've been traveling for the past year) and has made our family really evaluate what is most important to us material wise. We currently live in a home that has 4 bedrooms and 4.5 bathrooms. We built it and picked out each detail from the trims to the tiles. It was so much fun. My husband and I generally had the same visions throughout the building process and it brought us closer. (I was warned that times like building a house can put a strain on a marriage when couples don't see eye to eye.) When we moved in, I had a 7 year old, a five year old and two one year old babies, one on either hip as I directed our friends where boxes had to go. Two months after we moved in, I discovered that I was pregnant with our 5th child. Life has been very busy and the last 8 years have made this house our home. Life has a way of changing though. We now have two children attending a school that is a half hour drive away and attend a church that is 30 -35 minutes away. I have been an on the go mom for quite a long time. I'm not complaining. I love that my children are in such a great school and they are loving their new church as are Rob and I. The thing is we are living out of two (actually 3) different towns. What was making the decision even more difficult is that my husband's family lives here in town and that Rob and I are very involved with our community's sports programs.

So what's a girl to do but start a fast and ask God for some direction as she approaches her 40th birthday. Isn't that what everyone does?  Well, I certainly hadn't before. As I approached this fast, I explained to God that I am weak but I would give this a good try. I told Him that I had my doubts and didn't want to make this some superstitious thing where if I do this God will do that but if I "mess up" (superstitionsly walk under the proverbial ladder) then He wouldn't grant my prayer. So here I am 2 weeks later and all I can say is WOW. God lead Rob and I to a house very close to church and closer to the older kids' school. It is a rental house that has room for 5 kids and allowed us to have our 2 dogs and cat. It "fits" us. It even has a fire pit outside for those summer nights of roasting marshmallows and making s'mores, which is what we have at our current house. God has opened a door for us and we weren't even sure if we should go knocking. He has shown us that He wants us to move on beyond the material and prepare for what comes next. I'm not sure what that will be but I am happy to know that we are in His will. This sacrifice of food and material items (funny how willing my children are to give up the toys, clothes and books that they have outgrown given the opportunity) has lead us to clearly and quickly see what God's will is for us. What makes it even better is that my family knew I was fasting for God's direction and so they are all very aware that this is answered prayer. What an amazing testimony for them and us.

So I'm heading into week 3 of this fast. (A fast that I have failed at miserably by my own standards but God knows my heart is in the right place and that seems to matter to Him quite a bit.)

This has been an incredible way to start the new year. I'm looking forward to what comes along in the year to come.

Blessings to you,
 

My One Word for 2011

Happy Epiphany! I have been thinking about my one word that I'd like to focus on during this year. If you aren't familiar with My One Word, here is an excerpt from their page.

Every New Year we hope this will finally be the year that things will change. We make promises about the new person we're going to become, pledging to get a grip on our finances, get in shape, become a better parent, spouse, even a nicer human being! But there’s one problem: our resolutions seldom work. The busy pace of life gets the better of us, and suddenly, the year is over with little to no personal growth having occurred in our lives.

“My One Word” is an experiment designed to move you beyond the past and look ahead. The challenge is simple: lose the long list of changes you want to make this year and instead pick ONE WORD. This process provides clarity by taking all of your big plans for life change and narrowing them down into a single thing. One word focuses on your character and creates a vision for your future. So, we invite you to join us and pick one word in 2011!

So this year I've been giving this one word a lot of thought and prayer. I had it narrowed down to Time, Give and Present. The common thread for me is to focus on living in the moment. To live in the moment. To EXPERIENCE THE MOMENT. That is what I've been lacking in my life, truly experiencing it. I've realized that I allow so many things to distract me from my life. I love reading other blogs, looking at the beautiful photos of the homes, decor ideas, fun crafts to try and the fun snacks to make. I read about their trials and triumphs, their sad seasons and their seasons of overcoming and joy. I can spend way too much of my time spent observing other people's lives vicariously through their blogs. Don't get me wrong, I've brought some fun ideas into our family. We've tried fun snacks like the bunny buttons, I've made fun wreaths, decorated a Jesus tree, had the courage to re do my daughter's desk with chalk paint and mod podged pretty papers on it and have refreshed my thoughts on what making a house into a home can be. This last one is, making our house into a home is the one that has giving me much to think about. What do I want OUR home to look like, feel like and smell like? Just because I'm a stay at home mom am I really using my time to make our home ~ homey and a comfortable safe loving place for my family? I had to face the answer was truthfully, "no". I was spending my time vouyering into the lives of people who WERE doing that or at least were good at making it look like they were on their blogs. I need to begin being PRESENT in my own life. To focus on each moment as it presents itself, not as I wish it was or hoped it was but as it is.

For example, I spend so much time thinking about where we live, wouldn't it be easier to move closer to church, the older kids' school and into a smaller ~ home. (read lower mortgage) I can spend so much time packing, searching for homes, day dreaming and we don't even have a "for sale" sign in front of our house. How silly is that. Today we live HERE. Today we live at 52 and I need to make 52 our home. I need to make 52 the place where we have comfort and peace from the outside world. So my one word this year is PRESENT. To be present in the present. To focus on today and what I can do today, right now, for my family. How can I serve my children and husband today? I'm not talking about 1950's motherhood here. I'm talking about being here in my present life with the people I love and care about. Not living an escapism life. That's how I see it. Spending my time focusing on my children and husband to make my family a true family not just 7 people who happen to be live under the same roof. Here is the selfish part. In order to make my life calmer I've found that by making those around me, my family, feel loved and taken care of, then my home is becomes a place where we all feel cared for.  I've started taking better care of my family. They are coming home to fresh baked snacks, from a box but they don't seem to care how it's made just that mom made it for them. They have clean laundry that I am putting away for them (sometimes ~ they still need to put away SOME of their clothes). My 14 year old son was surprised when he came home and his bed was made. (I'm not a "make your bed" mom ~ so when it is made they notice it right away and really like it.) These are all simple things. I know these aren't new ideas but as a stay at home mom it is so easy to get into a slump. After so many dishes, loads of laundry and meals, there comes a point when I started wondering what's the point? Dishes are never done. Laundry is never caught up. Meals are a hassle with picky eaters who would just prefer frozen pizzas. (maybe that doesn't sound so bad but I cant' tell you how many times I've been to the grocery store and thought I'd have a conniption if I had to buy one more box of pop tarts or pizza bites. I wanted REAL food.) Sometimes it all seems so futile. What is the real purpose of it all?

I knew this is not a way to raise a family. For 2011 I am focusing on My One Word ~ Present. By being truly PRESENT in my life, in my family, in my marriage, in my friendships, in my own projects in the PRESENT moment my life actually becomes a LIFE that I am living not a life that I am avoiding or being distracted from.

So I'm going to spend less time thinking of "bloggable" moments and just be present in my life. Don't get me wrong I am still going to blog. I think accountability, even if no one is reading this and it is only to myself, will be important throughout the year and blogging about my progress will be one way I can be accountable.

Presently yours at 5&2,

The Reason for this Season

In past years, during the season of advent, I have tried different ways to keep our family's focus on the true meaning of Christmas. There have been various attempts at advent calendars, participations in the Nativity reenactments at church and even singing "Happy Birthday to Jesus" with a birthday cake on Christmas. This year I came across the idea of having a "Jesus Tree" over at the Gresham Barn Sale.

Grasham Barn Sale ~ Jesus Tree

Since I LOVE decorating several Christmas trees each year and as of today (this can always change as I find my way up in the attic and decide to bring down "just one more") we have two full sized trees and several smaller trees set up.
The one we keep in our family room is dedicated to the ornaments that have special memories tied to them for each one of us. The children help decorate it. There are decorations from when Rob and I were children, our wedding and for our children's first Christmases. I especially love the ones made in preschool and elementary school that are decorated photos of the children with the year on them. Those hold such sweet memories and always evoke the funniest of comments.

This year I've dedicated the tree in the foyer to be our Jesus Tree.
For each name that represents Jesus, a decoration is placed on the tree with a tag attached that has the name written on it and the bible verse relating to the name.

GIFT

Prince of Peace

Vine

Redeemer

I am still working on coming up with new symbols for the names of Jesus. Right now I am enjoying it as each one is added.

From our 5 & 2 to you,