Double Digits For My Girl

Today is my daughter's 10th birthday. I spent the evening making some very special s'mores cupcakes for her to bring to school. Ever since we started watching Cupcake Wars our family has taken cupcakes much more seriously. I found this fabulous recipe at Teacher by Day, Chef by Night. I must confess that I did use a boxed chocolate cake mix for the cupcakes. I did make the graham cracker bottom layer and the marshmallow butter cream frosting. It feels so good to have your children beam with delight at something you did for them or made for them. It felt particularly good to see her face when she saw the cupcakes this morning. Then we gave her one of the new outfits for her birthday so she could wear it to school today. There are two things my girl loves are treats to eat and a new outfit. All I want to be is a MOM to her. It is so difficult having her so desperately need to keep distance between us so she can feel safe. It breaks my heart. But today I am thinking of someone else's broken heart. The woman who gave birth to her. The woman who carried her under her heart for 9 months and then circumstances beyond her control lead her to give her sweet baby girl up. We'll probably never know what happened or why it happened. All I do know is that those circumstances lead to this sweet girl to come into our lives. How incredibly amazing is it that a child born half way around the world in a place that we had never been to would one day be matched to us in some business office. It was actually someone's "job" to match a baby girl to her forever family. That is mind boggling to me. Before that even happened though, there was one day, one moment that someone had to set her down and with every once of willpower they could muster, turn around and walk away. My chest hurt just typing this so I can't even begin to imagine what it must have been like. I am swallowing back the cry that I feel that is caught in my throat, blinking back the tears, and take a moment to say a prayer for them. I share a lot on here about the challenges that come with this disorder that our daughter carries with her. That one moment left her with such a profound loss. A loss that was the beginning to her RAD. A day that was the beginning of her journey to us, her forever family. Today we celebrate her birthday. She is now 10 years old. We get to celebrate her life with her. Today is a very special day. My little girl is 10, DOUBLE DIGITS!!!! So exciting. Such a happy day to celebrate. A day to remember, a day to make a wish and look forward to another wonderful day as her mom, and she is my daughter. 

 

If I were a Robot, would it be easier?

Being a woman who wears her heart on her sleeve, you never really have to guess where I'm at. I've been called "transparent" many times and I've considered that a compliment. There are times when I wish I was harder to read... that I could keep my feelings closer to my "vest". I especially wish this with my youngest daughter. It is so difficult to not take her "rejection" personally. Nancy Thomas lists 23 symptoms to tell if a child has Reactive Attachment Disorder. #23 pretty much sums it up.


23) Parents appear hostile and angry. This is very sad, and people that don’t have RAD kids don’t understand this. The more the parent loves the child, the more pain the child dishes out to get them to stop. The child had his heart broken as an infant, and he believes that love hurts. They do whatever they can not to be loved – they don’t use the parents love to grow emotionally strong. Parents are basically abused in their own home.

As a mom to a child who has RAD, my love is received as pain. I really struggle with how to counter that. How do you show someone love when it causes that person pain based on their own brokenness? Her goal is to keep distance between us to protect herself. Believe me she is very good at it. I try to parent her in the ways suggested by RAD therapists and experts. At the same time it is very difficult to muster up the energy to even want to be with someone who you already know is going to do everything in their power to make sure you don't get close to them. I am not a Robot. I have feelings too. I went into adoption with the idea that there was a child out there somewhere in the world that needed someone to love them. That hungered for a mother's hug and love. Someone who would now know that there was someone, actually an entire family, in the world that wanted THEM and LOVED THEM. I admit that it was rooted in my own childhood desire to have someone in the world who loved me just as I was. That desire grew into wanting to give that love that I longed for to another child who felt that same emptiness and loss.

I still know that I am a warrior and that God is using all of this for our good. My question is simply, how do I show love to her without causing her pain... without her needing to do everything in her power to keep distance between us. How many times can I say "I love you no matter what." before she believes me. I do get frustrated but I keep going back to her to show her that I still love her. Yes, being pushed away hurts but even though it hurts I will always keep coming back to love her more. The roots of my love for her come from a place of my childhood pain and now her childhood pain is hurting both of us, but as the mother I have to love her through both of our pain.

It's not easy.

There are no guarantees that this will have a happy ending for us. I just want her to see me as her mom or at least I want her to feel love, period. Then there are days when I just want to get through that day without reacting to her pushing me away.

If I was a Robot it would be easier.
Robots do not have feelings to get hurt, but then again Robots also don't feel LOVE either.

"Three things will last forever--faith, hope, and love--
and the greatest of these is love."
 ~1Corinthians 13:13 NLT

It is my faith in and my greatest hope that LOVE will indeed last forever between she and I. 


 

Holding my peace

Yesteday we arrived home from vacation. A week at Carolina Beach, NC. It was our 3rd time we spent staying at the Sand Dollar beach house. We usually plan our week away around Justin's birthday. We celebrated his 14th birthday on Saturday. Justin is such a great kid. (almost young man) He is so smart, has a fabulous sense of humor, is sensitive and caring, not to mention a good looking kid. It is a pleasure being his mom.

I spent a good part of our vacation reading and trying to get some color. My new favorite book, especially for a vacation read, is EAT, PRAY, LOVE. It was the perfect compliment to my surroundings. I have enjoyed the last two trips to Carolina Beach. The house is right on the beach. We spend the week at the beach, coming inside to cool off and rest and then back outside to the beach. We eat mostly at the house. Rob is a fabulous cook. The kids spend their time playing video games and this week we watched the Little League World Series. They get along so well in like half the space of our home. It is so peaceful spending my days reading, swimming at the beach and collecting shells. This week was different. In the past I had peace while we were there but then "lost" it when we arrived home. This week I realized that it wasn't the peaceful surroundings that mattered. I could make peace within myself and then take it with me. It's not the beach and lack of routine that made it so peaceful, although it sure is pleasant. It is finding peace, real peace that isn't dependant on surroundings or circumstances. It is accepting people as they are. That is a big part of it for me. I realized that Rob's idea of relaxing and my idea of relaxing are different. I also discovered that my kids are who they are. They have their own personalities. My job as their mother is help guide them not mold them. I have spent so much time thinking that I know what is best for them, especially Helen. I have spent so much time and energy trying to help her. She has so willfully fought me. This week I realized that I can not make her want to be my daughter. I can not make her trust and love me. I need to find a peace that does not depend on her behavior. I thought that the only way to be a mother to her was to "heal" her from her attachment disorder. Now I realize that I need peace more than anything else. I need to find peace that will keep me through the storms of life. When you have peace within you the storms outside are just something happening around you not to you.

Blessings to you,
Debbie

Did you get gas?

That is the question my husband just asked me as he peeked his head in the door looking at me with an odd look on his face. I thought he was happy that I did it because we are heading out early tomorrow morning and I wanted to do something nice for him. "Um do you know that you didn't put the gas cap or shut the gas door?" "OH that is because Helen was screaming the entire time I was pumping the gas and I must have been distracted."
Oh, my dear Helen  screaming again and it is bedtime. We all need to get up early tomorrow and really can't have your screaming away while everyone is trying to get to sleep. Not to mention it is really upsetting everyone. So why is Miss Helen screaming this time... the reasons are always so varied but I'm beginning to think it all comes down to her not having things go HER way. The script that she has so carefully written is not being followed.

We'll need to insert a little flashback to our movie:
Earlier today we went to a birthday party for my 4 year old niece. It was a very nice day spent with our extended family. It was the first time I was able to see and visit with my mother in law since she had a stroke on Monday. Everyone has been pitching in and helping out and the way that I help is by watching my nices so that Victoria can focus on her mom and the many doctor visits. So you can only imagine that Helen's outbursts and general disagreeability is not something anyone is in the mood for this week more so than normal. Today's ridiculousness was because I questioned what she put on after the kids went swimming. I noticed that she was wearing swimshorts and I asked why she was wearing them. She insisted she thought they were shorts. In the whole scheme of things whether she wears swimshorts as shorts is not a big deal at all to me. What bothers me is that she said she thought they were shorts. I'm pretty sure YESTERDAY she wore these same "shorts" white water rafting with us as a bathing suit. Again it doesn't matter but I just don't appreciate this ridiculous totally unnecessary lie. (I have 5 kids and can understand lying but I expect you to come clean when I call you on it... but as anyone out there with a kid who has RAD knows lying to them is second nature and seems to be a game to see if/how I'll react to it)
I let it go while we are at the party and wait until we get home to broach the subject.
"So Helen, I'm pretty sure these are the same "shorts" you wore swimming yesterday."
"I really thought they were shorts."
 "Fine. Let's go upstairs and you can show me where you got them from."
 I figured she got them from the pile of clean swimsuits from yesterday... and wouldn't you know, she takes me to her room and says, "I got them from my swimsuit drawer."
 "Well of course you did, thinking they were shorts, of course they were in your swimsuit drawer."
This lead to what I call the whirlwind of her screaming and insisting that she thought they were shorts.
 She REALLY REALLY did think they were shorts.

So here it was time for the kids to go to bed and again Helen was screaming. There is no stopping her when she gets going on the "really reallies". She either "really really IS telling the truth." "really really wants to do (fill in the blank)..." "really really cares about...(ususally me and after doing something that makes it clear that she really really doesn't) So we do our nightly prayers downstairs while she is upstairs screaming... FUN TIMES and I am already planning to take her out for a ride so the kids can have some peace... and then Rob goes upstairs to speak to her... He tells her to go out to the car, I go and grab a snack and head out with her. Tonight's outing leads me to the gas station to get the truck filled up and ready for us tomorrow. I usually tend to find a way to "help out" when I am frustrated and try to make positive use of the time. I cranked up KLOVE on the radio and sing praise songs to her screaming chorus in the background. (KLOVE is a Christian radio station that we almost exclusively listen to) Tonight is the first time I ever forgot to put the gas cover back on though. HMMMM... I wonder what could be distracting me... so many things to choose from. No harm done though.

I pulled into our driveway and ate the snack I brought with me. By this time she is done screaming. Helen goes inside and off to bed without a word. We can now all sleep in peace and get ready for tomorrow's adventures.

I can't wait to tell you about the very funny experience I had with the supersized cupcake cake I made my niece. I even have photos to share. But alas not tonight... I too need my rest. It will make for a rather amusing blogpost though... let's just say trying out a new cake pan for the first time (the ones on television commercials that look like GIANT CUPCAKES) and waking up to NO POWER made for a pretty amusing morning.

We are 5 & 2 Scotts,

I thought I might get hot

I can't resist this quick post on my funny girl Helen. Yesterday morning I noticed her shirt was on backwards. For some reason she puts her tagless shirts on backwards and I always.usually mention it to her. She may or may not change it to the front in the front depending on her mood. Yesterday morning I made a conscious decision to let it go and not make an issue of it. (insert chuckling soundtrack here)

So off to school my girl went on the school bus and home she came. I DID notice that it took her a long time to come in after Logan.

Well little Miss Helen was very helpful yesterday after school. Cleaning off the kitchen table all on her own and then happily organizing the plastic container cupboard at my request. Can you see the bells and red flags waving that I should have seen? I was just so happy that she was helping out... such a silly mommy moment. THEN I looked over at her sitting on the floor with plastic containers being all organized (this girl is one amazing organizer) and I SEE it.... the strings hanging out from the back of her shirt. "Helen what are you wearing under your shirt. (This is a long sleeve pink shirt.) She shows me the tank top that has strings wrapped around the neck that she has on hidden under her shirt. "Helen why do you have this on?" "In case I got hot at school today." (it was 60 degrees today by the way) "REALLY? AND WERE you hot in school today?" "yes." "Did anyone comment on the fact that you were wearing a tanktop in school today? Did you have gym today?" (that second comment was my last HOPE that she actually did not do what I was pretty sure she did.) "Well Natasha and Aiden asked me if I was naked on the bus." Lovely, just what a mom wants to hear.

Basically my girl wore the tank to school, "got hot" on the bus on the way to school, was "hot" all day at school and

suddenly on the bus ride home as she came to our street got "colder" and put her shirt back on.

How curious... "Does that sound the least bit sneaky to you Helen?" "No I just was hot." "Well isn't that interesting that you knew you'd be hot all day and suddenly as you got closer to mom the cold chill came over you and you put your shirt back on." At that point I went for several walks up and down the driveway trying to work out

1) if this was a big deal

2) what to do with an EIGHT year old who is already sneaking innapropriate clothes to school

My first response was that she can not be out of my sight for a minute, why didn't the teacher wonder about my daughter's choice of clothing considering, and she will now be homeschooled.

Then I took a few breaths... saw some weird humor in the situation and settled on going upstairs and quietly taking all of her clothes out of her closet. "Helen since you did not wear this shirt today you can wear it tomorrow." Nate went and got the notice that REMINDED parents that there is a dress code at public school and he was pretty sure his sister had violated it. Logan shared that when he saw her in school he gave her this odd look. (which he demostrated for me)

What bothers me is that she is only eight, she did not take any responsility for it and basically does whatever she wants to. Now there were times when my parents took note of some of my fashion choices, such as the time my father looked over his newspaper at me and said, "Did you cut your head?" I gave him my best "whatever could you be talking about look" and he went onto explain that you use hydrogen peroxide for cuts so with my new lighter shade of hair... maybe I have a head injury he should know about. That lead to me explaining how my hair became this lovely shade of WHITE and that I liked it. I had to live with it. He then went on to explain about ROOTS and I would have to live with them too.

I also remember not being able to wear makeup. My mother never did so I really had no one to help me through this rite of passage except some overly helpful friends in the girls room at school. Again I was asked if I had some strange illness... my eyelids were green. This lead to a heart to heart about not sharing make up because you could get pink eye and then my mom and I worked out what types of make up I could wear and at what ages. I was also told I did not NEED to wear make up but that fell on deaf ears to a girl who worshipped SEVENTEEN magazine and those models knew a thing or two more about make up than my mom who was going naturally grey and did not wear make up. Funny thing is she did start wearing some makeup like eyeliner and lipstick shortly after. (at least that's how I remember it)

So it's not like I never did ANYTHING sneaky as far as make up or fashion choices went but the difference is that I was like 13 or 14 not EIGHT and I admitted it and we talked things out.

I can not even imagine our house when Miss Helen turns 13 if this is what it's like at 8.

So my quick post ended up being a walk down memory lane to when I was 13... but did you really expect less from me. OH and if you see Miss Helen today she SHOULD be wearing her long sleeved pink shirt.

Read more: http://www.mylivesignature.com/wizard2_2.php#ixzz0hibhVBrM

So do you still have them?

First of all, Easter was great! There was one funny incident with my dear H that I just have to share. She was all dressed for church and asked me where her black sparkly shoes were. "H I told you that you ruined them." (she ruined them because when she gets mad or things aren't going her way she rubs her feet together and thus has ruined a few pairs of shoes that way. When she did it to the sparkly shoes the sparkles became a casuality and the shoes have some "bald" spots and are not wearable any longer.) H looked at me and said, "yes, but do you still have them?" I couldn't believe she actually asked that. (why was I surprised after ALL of the funny things she has said I don't know. She still seems to surprise me with these little comments though.) "H when I said that you ruined your shoes, I meant that you are NOT going to wear them again." "I just wanted to know if you still have them." "It wouldn't matter because as I said you are NOT going to wear them. Maybe you should take better care of your things." So my little fashionista wore brown shoes (with wear spots on the TOPS of the toes where she rubbed them by tragging her toes.) with a black outfit. She was not a happy camper.

Not to leave her older brother and sister out. M was not thrilled about the suggestion that she wear the new purple dress she picked up last week. We compromised on capris and a purple top. J's biggest thing was not wearing a tie which I was fine about. Our two younger boys wore new polos. As we took their picture I realized that 4 out of 5 of our kids were wearing BLACK.

5 smiling faces

With Papa in front of our new rocks

Dressed up for School Chapel on Thursday

How lovely. Put honestly, they looked pretty sharp. I don't want to turn clothing into a battle, especially when it comes to church. They are all pretty good about compromising with Rob and I so we always work out something that we are all happy with. I still remember J telling me that this Christmas he'd wear matching shirts with his two little brothers and I was the one who said he could just wear the same color. He then informed me that this would be the last Christmas he'd match with them. I was kind of tickled by that. We'll see when the Christmas 2010 card picture is taken.

I'll be adding a picture later today. I just wanted to get this out before suddenly it is the end of the week and who wants to read about Easter outfits then? By then I'll be facing the reality that my sweet M is going to be 12 on Sunday. My goodness, 12 sounds so old.... actually everything from here on out sounds old to me. But we'll save that for the end of the week to deal with.

So here I pause to consider a sign off... like the news anchors have a little send off line... I'll have to ponder for a few moments....

so for now it's just me...

Healed Hearts Helping Wounded Hearts

I have a lot on my heart today. I have been called transparent on more than one occasion. I am very open and pretty much what you see, read and hear is who I am. I grew up in a home where I knew a very different side of people that wasn't so pretty. It always bothered me that there were people who thought they were a certain way (including extended family) when MY experience with them was so different than the public mask. As a child, there were times I wanted to just scream, "You think they are so funny and charming. You don't know what they are really like and what they do.You don't REALLY know them but you think you do. You are just believing the mask."

I have this belief that if someone else is experiencing what I am going through MAYBE my transparancy will help them. Maybe just knowing you are not alone will be a comfort. I believe that being authentic is the best way to live for me. It is the way I take negative things in my life and try to reach out to others who may have or are having similar experiences.

So now I have been told that being so open about certain things may be causing some people to have misconceptions about me. That maybe they are judging me without really understanding. I think the problem is that MOST people ARE trying to hide something. I'm not. We have a daugther with an attachment disorder. It is something that I certainly was not expecting when we adopted because honestly she was ONLY nine months old and I was under the belief that she was TOO YOUNG to have this. That a BABY would welcome a mother's love and attention. I was so wrong. It has been quite a challenge. It is a challenge that we have met head on. We are fighting for our daughter's heart... not just for us but for her future children. How do you fight for someone who doesn't even realize what they are missing in life?

I am putting this last post on the subject out there so that if there are people who are experiencing life with Attachment Disorder they know I am here. What makes me so upset is my thought that if we were experiencing life with Autism then there would be no mask or having to share? See that's the thing with Attachment Disorder, these children have a public mask on. A mask of cuteness and accomodation in public with total strangers but at home the most simple request is met with outright defiance. Constant reminders that your child can be close to people as long as there is no attachment. It is very superficial. It is sad that people will take what they see, the mask, of a child over the word of an adult that has always been open and honest with them. I adore all of my children. I have a special place in my heart for this daughter in particular. I can relate to her pain and loss. I know heartache and I want healing for her. It is my heart's desire.

I know that God brought us together because He knows my heart. He knows her heart. He knows that only a heart that has been healed can be used to help reach out to another heart that is wounded. That is the only truth that I am sure of. I trust that God will continue to lead me and work through me to help her. I know He wants to heal her heart and He has brought us together for a purpose.

That's really all I can ever say on the subject of Attachment Disorder. So for now I'll just leave it at that.