Coming out of the Desert

I keep having to remind myself that this is real. It has been 9 years of dealing with the behaviors that come with attachment disorder. Truthfully I had resigned myself to 9 more years until I assumed our daughter would follow through on her plan to "run away" at the age of 18 and that would be it. I honestly saw it as a prison sentence at times. I know that doesn't sound "pretty" but believe me not much about these last 9 years has been pretty. So now suddenly, for about a month now, our daughter has started to open up. I see her as slowly beginning to blossom. She has not had one of her outbursts or rants for a month now. I have even gone away for a week with our 2 oldest children on a missions trip and came back expecting her to be angry at me for being gone. (for abandoning her) I've been home for a week and a half now and things are still calm. There have been brief moments, like when she felt like she messed up her summer reading assignment, that she started to get mad at herself, but we were able to talk about it and she calmed right down. Today we even talked about me talking to her new teacher about coming into her classroom and help out. That way if she starts to feel overwhelmed or stressed (usually when she doesn't understand the work or thinks she is going to have a lot of homework that she won't be able to understand or not be able to finish her classwork on time) she will have me there to help her out. She was very relieved at the idea that I would be there for her. (This is counter intuitive to what we had been thinking. She seemed fine in school but then seemed to lose it at home. I had always thought she was just combative with me due to the attachment disorder and the thinking that she felt she didn't need me.)The therapist has recently suggested that our daughter has stress over being separted from me all day and that the reunion at the end of the day is at first a relief but then she is angry over the fact that I hadn't been there for her.)

So here it is 9 years later, and finally there is a glimmer of hope. The other kids are adjusting to having her as a SISTER rather than as someone who lied, stole and pretended to be all nice in public while at home she was a screaming, ranting mess. Suddenly there is giggling, playing together and yes, even normal sibling bickering. ALL of which I welcome.Suddenly family time is truly FAMILY time not 6 of us doing something and she had misbehaved to the point of not being included. Believe me it is not fun to go out for ice cream with 6 of us getting a treat and one (yes the obviously adopted child) being excluded. Talk about feeling like you are being whispered about and judged. Truthfully NO ONE could have judged me harder than I judged myself. I constantly second guessed myself when it came to parenting her. I am sure it will continue. It was so difficult having a daughter that not only rejected me as her mother but also whenever (rare as it was) that we did connect, she felt that love as something she had to protect herself from.

So it has been 9 years in a desert, wandering through this thing called attachment disorder, lost, thirsting for something that could help, seeing mirages and then being bitterly disappointed when the reality of the situation slapped us again, wanting desperately to escape. Today I have tasted the refreshing relief of water. Our daughter is not cured, but there is relief for now. A time of finally seeing her. That has been the hardest part for me. Not knowing HER beyond her pain and defensive wall building that she did to protect herself from feeling loved. Now I am beginning to see her and know her. I realize that there is a long and bumpy road ahead of us. I am trusting that God will continue to walk with us and be in control. This time of coming out of the desert is something I wasn't expecting. I honestly didn't see an end to this feeling of being lost and wandering. Now I can begin to see that we might be coming out of the desert much sooner than I had thought. This is such a blessing. I had hoped she would have some time as a child. That she would not lose her entire childhood to this disorder. That she would feel loved and trust. A few weeks ago she said that she looked forward to a time when she could tell her children about how she overcame this. How it had been a rough time but she got through it and it turned out good. I look forward to that time too.

Read more: http://www.mylivesignature.com/wizard2_2.php#ixzz0hibhVBrM

Did you get gas?

That is the question my husband just asked me as he peeked his head in the door looking at me with an odd look on his face. I thought he was happy that I did it because we are heading out early tomorrow morning and I wanted to do something nice for him. "Um do you know that you didn't put the gas cap or shut the gas door?" "OH that is because Helen was screaming the entire time I was pumping the gas and I must have been distracted."
Oh, my dear Helen  screaming again and it is bedtime. We all need to get up early tomorrow and really can't have your screaming away while everyone is trying to get to sleep. Not to mention it is really upsetting everyone. So why is Miss Helen screaming this time... the reasons are always so varied but I'm beginning to think it all comes down to her not having things go HER way. The script that she has so carefully written is not being followed.

We'll need to insert a little flashback to our movie:
Earlier today we went to a birthday party for my 4 year old niece. It was a very nice day spent with our extended family. It was the first time I was able to see and visit with my mother in law since she had a stroke on Monday. Everyone has been pitching in and helping out and the way that I help is by watching my nices so that Victoria can focus on her mom and the many doctor visits. So you can only imagine that Helen's outbursts and general disagreeability is not something anyone is in the mood for this week more so than normal. Today's ridiculousness was because I questioned what she put on after the kids went swimming. I noticed that she was wearing swimshorts and I asked why she was wearing them. She insisted she thought they were shorts. In the whole scheme of things whether she wears swimshorts as shorts is not a big deal at all to me. What bothers me is that she said she thought they were shorts. I'm pretty sure YESTERDAY she wore these same "shorts" white water rafting with us as a bathing suit. Again it doesn't matter but I just don't appreciate this ridiculous totally unnecessary lie. (I have 5 kids and can understand lying but I expect you to come clean when I call you on it... but as anyone out there with a kid who has RAD knows lying to them is second nature and seems to be a game to see if/how I'll react to it)
I let it go while we are at the party and wait until we get home to broach the subject.
"So Helen, I'm pretty sure these are the same "shorts" you wore swimming yesterday."
"I really thought they were shorts."
 "Fine. Let's go upstairs and you can show me where you got them from."
 I figured she got them from the pile of clean swimsuits from yesterday... and wouldn't you know, she takes me to her room and says, "I got them from my swimsuit drawer."
 "Well of course you did, thinking they were shorts, of course they were in your swimsuit drawer."
This lead to what I call the whirlwind of her screaming and insisting that she thought they were shorts.
 She REALLY REALLY did think they were shorts.

So here it was time for the kids to go to bed and again Helen was screaming. There is no stopping her when she gets going on the "really reallies". She either "really really IS telling the truth." "really really wants to do (fill in the blank)..." "really really cares about...(ususally me and after doing something that makes it clear that she really really doesn't) So we do our nightly prayers downstairs while she is upstairs screaming... FUN TIMES and I am already planning to take her out for a ride so the kids can have some peace... and then Rob goes upstairs to speak to her... He tells her to go out to the car, I go and grab a snack and head out with her. Tonight's outing leads me to the gas station to get the truck filled up and ready for us tomorrow. I usually tend to find a way to "help out" when I am frustrated and try to make positive use of the time. I cranked up KLOVE on the radio and sing praise songs to her screaming chorus in the background. (KLOVE is a Christian radio station that we almost exclusively listen to) Tonight is the first time I ever forgot to put the gas cover back on though. HMMMM... I wonder what could be distracting me... so many things to choose from. No harm done though.

I pulled into our driveway and ate the snack I brought with me. By this time she is done screaming. Helen goes inside and off to bed without a word. We can now all sleep in peace and get ready for tomorrow's adventures.

I can't wait to tell you about the very funny experience I had with the supersized cupcake cake I made my niece. I even have photos to share. But alas not tonight... I too need my rest. It will make for a rather amusing blogpost though... let's just say trying out a new cake pan for the first time (the ones on television commercials that look like GIANT CUPCAKES) and waking up to NO POWER made for a pretty amusing morning.

We are 5 & 2 Scotts,

8 years ago today

What a day.

 It started with Helen coming into our room this morning to tell me she had a bad dream that I had died.

Poor girl was so sad and concerned.

As way of explaination, children with Attachment Disorders get uncomfortable when they start to feel close to their parents and will often follow up a sweet moment by doing all that they can to push you away.

So you can imagine how crazy my morning was after Helen crawled into bed with me and started to feel safe and glad that I was actually alive. Let's just say she missed the bus and was still in her jammas when I brought the boys to school. I brought her home and said "I think today is going to be a home day for you." I now understand what "a peace beyond understanding" truly means because I did not get the least bit upset with her antics this morning. I was actually amused (and a little sad) that she was acting out so hard. So I called the school and declared a mental health day and she just sat there and looked at me quite confused.

It wasn't until 9:35 that I realized what today is.

Eight years ago today, Rob was holding 4 month old Logan when he answered the phone.

It was the adoption agency.

We had asked for a 6 month postponement in our adoption when Logan was born.

So when what was supposed to be our travel group received their referrals on the 25th and 26th of April 2002, I was sad when we didn't get ours but "knew" it was for the best because we really thought it would be better to wait until Logan was closer to a year old to adopt.

It was late in the afternoon on Moday afternoon, and the director of our adoption agency was calling.

I heard Rob say,

"Wait a minute, I think Debbie is going to want to be on this call."

I looked at him quizically because I just figured it was a paperwork call about the postponement.

Suddenly I hear Lilian say that somehow our adoption paperwork went through and she had a referral for us in front of her.

She explained that she understood that we had wanted to wait 6 months but felt she had to tell us about the referral because we'd need to accept or decline it.

I just looked at Rob on the other phone holding Logan, stunned.

With no time to discuss it, we looked at each other, I nodded to him with tears in my eyes and said, "yes."

Here are the very first pictures we saw of our sweet girl.

And the picture that melted my heart....

I just LOVE that tongue sticking out.

Suddenly we had another daughter. We had gone from 2 children to 4 children in 4 short months.

A sweet baby girl was waiting for us in China.

My mind was racing.

How were we going to do this? Who would travel to China?

We had a 4 month old baby at home and now a 7 and a half month old baby in China.

Our international twins.

We soon decided that I would go to China and Rob would stay at home with the 3 kids. I had 6 weeks to buy whatever we needed for another baby, pack, figure out how to travel 1/2 way around the world, what was I going to eat there, how was I going to leave my one baby to go bring home another, and that was just what was going through my mind in the first hours.

Our sweet girl was waiting for us in China. We made it work and I brought her home on June 19th.

The first moment I saw her...

The first time I held her...

That was 8 years ago today.

This morning she was doing her very best to push me away when she started to feel close to me.

I told her that I still love her.

I told her how excited we were to know she was our daughter and we couldn't wait to bring her home.

We will always love her.

Someday she will feel safe enough to trust that love.

That is another day I will treasure forever.
 

Healed Hearts Helping Wounded Hearts

I have a lot on my heart today. I have been called transparent on more than one occasion. I am very open and pretty much what you see, read and hear is who I am. I grew up in a home where I knew a very different side of people that wasn't so pretty. It always bothered me that there were people who thought they were a certain way (including extended family) when MY experience with them was so different than the public mask. As a child, there were times I wanted to just scream, "You think they are so funny and charming. You don't know what they are really like and what they do.You don't REALLY know them but you think you do. You are just believing the mask."

I have this belief that if someone else is experiencing what I am going through MAYBE my transparancy will help them. Maybe just knowing you are not alone will be a comfort. I believe that being authentic is the best way to live for me. It is the way I take negative things in my life and try to reach out to others who may have or are having similar experiences.

So now I have been told that being so open about certain things may be causing some people to have misconceptions about me. That maybe they are judging me without really understanding. I think the problem is that MOST people ARE trying to hide something. I'm not. We have a daugther with an attachment disorder. It is something that I certainly was not expecting when we adopted because honestly she was ONLY nine months old and I was under the belief that she was TOO YOUNG to have this. That a BABY would welcome a mother's love and attention. I was so wrong. It has been quite a challenge. It is a challenge that we have met head on. We are fighting for our daughter's heart... not just for us but for her future children. How do you fight for someone who doesn't even realize what they are missing in life?

I am putting this last post on the subject out there so that if there are people who are experiencing life with Attachment Disorder they know I am here. What makes me so upset is my thought that if we were experiencing life with Autism then there would be no mask or having to share? See that's the thing with Attachment Disorder, these children have a public mask on. A mask of cuteness and accomodation in public with total strangers but at home the most simple request is met with outright defiance. Constant reminders that your child can be close to people as long as there is no attachment. It is very superficial. It is sad that people will take what they see, the mask, of a child over the word of an adult that has always been open and honest with them. I adore all of my children. I have a special place in my heart for this daughter in particular. I can relate to her pain and loss. I know heartache and I want healing for her. It is my heart's desire.

I know that God brought us together because He knows my heart. He knows her heart. He knows that only a heart that has been healed can be used to help reach out to another heart that is wounded. That is the only truth that I am sure of. I trust that God will continue to lead me and work through me to help her. I know He wants to heal her heart and He has brought us together for a purpose.

That's really all I can ever say on the subject of Attachment Disorder. So for now I'll just leave it at that.

I haven't really been thinking about you

It's not easy being a parent. Yeah I know I thought I'd start with the obvious. One of the reasons I've decided to focus this blog to writing about our family is to reach out to other families who are going through similar situations. Today my younger daughter is on my mind. We adopted her from China when she was 9 months old. Looking back the signs were there and we did see them. I just don't think we fully grasped the depth of attachment disorder and the struggles that would come with it. She is 8 years old now and we are now beginning to understand what this means for us as a family and a little for her as an individual.
 I can say without a doubt that although she does care about us, she could take us or leave us. That is a very difficult thing to accept. That became clear to me yesterday. You see, on Tuesday morning Rob and I brought her to a respite care group home. That was the hardest decision we have had to make as parents. It became clear after her two younger brothers met with the therapist and they are obviously very stressed over her regular outbursts and various other behaviours that play havoc on our daily life. I was so accustomed to the stress level in our home (and having grown up in a very stress filled home) that I didn't realize the effect it was having on the other kids. It became clear that we needed some time to work together as a family and work on strategies to help decrease the stress and help the 6 of us feel that we have some control when she is out of control.

So yesterday Rob and I went to pick her up for her therapy session. She was sitting at the table doing school work when we arrived. She came over said hello and I love you and then bounced back over to the table. We were surprised that she didn't go get her stuff to come with us. We asked the hosue manager if our daughter was aware of why we were there. She looked quizzically over at her and said that they had been talking about it all morning. So Rob went over and told her it was time to go.

Rob left from there to go to the Math Olympics for our oldest two children while I took her to therapy.
What can I say, when asked if she would prefer staying at the house vs home she actually said, "That's a hard question." When asked about if she missed us she looked at me and said, "I don't really think of mom. Not to hurt your feelings. I just don't think about mom." She has become very excited about her new "friends" H who left the house already and was only there for her first day and M who is her other new "friend". You would think they were long lost friends. She was so animated when talking about them. When asked about her family she seemed to ponder the question trying to figure out what the therapist wanted to hear, what the "right" answer was. It was very clear that she is not allowing herself to feel anything towards us. Worse she may not have deep feelings towards us. Rob and I know that this is the truth. We've known our daughter for almost 8 years now and have never felt that we were any more to her than anyone else she comes across in life. It is a painfully sad realization. I don't want to believe this. How can someone not have affection for their own parents or even if she just thinks of us as people she lives with... it's been almost 8 years and still nothing or possibly the most basic feelings towards us. We love this little girl so much and are willing to do whatever it takes to help get through to her heart, to break down these thick walls that she seems to have put up to protect herself. (These are my hopes, that she is capable of real feelings towards others... the other option is something I am not ready to accept)

If you have a child with attachment disorder I would love to hear from you. We are prepared to take this journey wherever it takes us but would love to have a heads up from anyone who has btdt (been there done that). It can seem like a lonely journey a lot of the times. Please keep our daughter and the rest of our family in your prayers.