Monday, August 23, 2010

Holding my peace

Yesteday we arrived home from vacation. A week at Carolina Beach, NC. It was our 3rd time we spent staying at the Sand Dollar beach house. We usually plan our week away around Justin's birthday. We celebrated his 14th birthday on Saturday. Justin is such a great kid. (almost young man) He is so smart, has a fabulous sense of humor, is sensitive and caring, not to mention a good looking kid. It is a pleasure being his mom.

I spent a good part of our vacation reading and trying to get some color. My new favorite book, especially for a vacation read, is EAT, PRAY, LOVE. It was the perfect compliment to my surroundings. I have enjoyed the last two trips to Carolina Beach. The house is right on the beach. We spend the week at the beach, coming inside to cool off and rest and then back outside to the beach. We eat mostly at the house. Rob is a fabulous cook. The kids spend their time playing video games and this week we watched the Little League World Series. They get along so well in like half the space of our home. It is so peaceful spending my days reading, swimming at the beach and collecting shells. This week was different. In the past I had peace while we were there but then "lost" it when we arrived home. This week I realized that it wasn't the peaceful surroundings that mattered. I could make peace within myself and then take it with me. It's not the beach and lack of routine that made it so peaceful, although it sure is pleasant. It is finding peace, real peace that isn't dependant on surroundings or circumstances. It is accepting people as they are. That is a big part of it for me. I realized that Rob's idea of relaxing and my idea of relaxing are different. I also discovered that my kids are who they are. They have their own personalities. My job as their mother is help guide them not mold them. I have spent so much time thinking that I know what is best for them, especially Helen. I have spent so much time and energy trying to help her. She has so willfully fought me. This week I realized that I can not make her want to be my daughter. I can not make her trust and love me. I need to find a peace that does not depend on her behavior. I thought that the only way to be a mother to her was to "heal" her from her attachment disorder. Now I realize that I need peace more than anything else. I need to find peace that will keep me through the storms of life. When you have peace within you the storms outside are just something happening around you not to you.

Blessings to you,

Saturday, August 14, 2010

RAD the invisible Disorder

I am feeling particularly frustrated today. I am tired of living day to day with a child who seems to go out of her way to make me upset and have no relationship with me. Her need to control everything and everyone around her continues to disrupt our daily life. I did find a website that has a FAQ about RAD. (reactive attachment disorder) I wish everyone knew more about what I see as an invisible disorder.

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