I have a lot on my heart today. I have been called transparent on more than one occasion. I am very open and pretty much what you see, read and hear is who I am. I grew up in a home where I knew a very different side of people that wasn't so pretty. It always bothered me that there were people who thought they were a certain way (including extended family) when MY experience with them was so different than the public mask. As a child, there were times I wanted to just scream, "You think they are so funny and charming. You don't know what they are really like and what they do.You don't REALLY know them but you think you do. You are just believing the mask."
I have this belief that if someone else is experiencing what I am going through MAYBE my transparancy will help them. Maybe just knowing you are not alone will be a comfort. I believe that being authentic is the best way to live for me. It is the way I take negative things in my life and try to reach out to others who may have or are having similar experiences.
So now I have been told that being so open about certain things may be causing some people to have misconceptions about me. That maybe they are judging me without really understanding. I think the problem is that MOST people ARE trying to hide something. I'm not. We have a daugther with an attachment disorder. It is something that I certainly was not expecting when we adopted because honestly she was ONLY nine months old and I was under the belief that she was TOO YOUNG to have this. That a BABY would welcome a mother's love and attention. I was so wrong. It has been quite a challenge. It is a challenge that we have met head on. We are fighting for our daughter's heart... not just for us but for her future children. How do you fight for someone who doesn't even realize what they are missing in life?
I am putting this last post on the subject out there so that if there are people who are experiencing life with Attachment Disorder they know I am here. What makes me so upset is my thought that if we were experiencing life with Autism then there would be no mask or having to share? See that's the thing with Attachment Disorder, these children have a public mask on. A mask of cuteness and accomodation in public with total strangers but at home the most simple request is met with outright defiance. Constant reminders that your child can be close to people as long as there is no attachment. It is very superficial. It is sad that people will take what they see, the mask, of a child over the word of an adult that has always been open and honest with them. I adore all of my children. I have a special place in my heart for this daughter in particular. I can relate to her pain and loss. I know heartache and I want healing for her. It is my heart's desire.
I know that God brought us together because He knows my heart. He knows her heart. He knows that only a heart that has been healed can be used to help reach out to another heart that is wounded. That is the only truth that I am sure of. I trust that God will continue to lead me and work through me to help her. I know He wants to heal her heart and He has brought us together for a purpose.
That's really all I can ever say on the subject of Attachment Disorder. So for now I'll just leave it at that.
clean slate in the garden
2 days ago